


How I Became A Fic Writer

by Mod J (AlienNerd)



Series: Notes From Mod J [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, James "Bucky" Barnes - Fandom
Genre: Erotica, Fandom, Fanfiction, Gen, Smut, Writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-14
Updated: 2017-09-14
Packaged: 2018-12-25 18:03:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12041277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlienNerd/pseuds/Mod%20J
Summary: Just a little bit about me & why I write Bucky Barnes erotica fic in particular. I feel like if you want me to write you should know these things about my writing.





	How I Became A Fic Writer

**Author's Note:**

> I used to have a Tumblog that had a post like this. Since it got deleted, I thought I'd rewrite my sentiments about this again and post it here.
> 
> And here's a tl;dr for this whole post: I feel like my creativity is dying a slow death because I lack contact with my peers. Be my friend, dangit! Tell me all your thoughts on Bucky, plz.

Let me start by saying, I am incredibly isolated. I have zero irl friends who are my peers when it comes to stuff like this and have no one to talk to about any of it with. I tend to have a lot to say because I don't talk to anyone often and this results in me having lots of time to think things and no platform to say them on. So please bear with me, I only write a lot because I'm trying to be sure to get the right idea across. I've only in my life known one other person that liked fandom & ocs and that person has three kids, a dog and zero time to fangirl with me.

I live with Dysthymia, Major Depression, PTSD, and Anxiety. This makes it hard to feel like I enjoy something or am having fun (tbh, it makes it hard to recognize most feelings). It puts a real damper on things I love and I spend a lot of time thinking "I'd be so excited/happy about this thing if I weren't depressed."

Which is what happened the first time I saw Captain America: The Winter Soldier. Bucky is a lot of tropes I love all rolled into one. Let's see, there's [Ax-Crazy](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AxCrazy), [Brainwashed and Crazy](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BrainwashedAndCrazy), [Human Popsicle](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/HumanPopsicle), and [Manchurian Agent](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ManchurianAgent) to start with, also, [Artificial Limbs](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ArtificialLimbs), [Berserk Button](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BerserkButton), [Human Weapon](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/HumanWeapon), [Knife Nut](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/KnifeNut) and so many more, so so many. So as I sat completely unfeeling watching it I knew the facts were: A.) I'd love everything to do with him someday B.) I was gonna think soooo many ideas about that.

Another piece of this puzzle is, when I was in high school and fandom as a subculture was being born, it was super hard to have the internet, so if you were writing fic or drawing fanart it was for your irl friends to read or see. Being that kid no one talks to unless they forgot which page to turn to in history, I didn't really have friends for that kind of socializing so I would think up these zany stories about characters from stuff I liked and have no one to share that with. And people wonder why kids like me spent their time at raves watching other people get jacked up on weird drugs. I think the only thing I learned in high school is drug dealers befriend everyone.

I remember one of the oldest ideas I had like that was something like "Darien & Serena trying to get it on in the living room while babysitting Rini at Serena's house & her parents take her brother to some sporting event. Hijinks ensue when Rini won't stay in her room." But I never wrote it out for anyone else to read. The one time I did try to write stuff down, my sister went snooping and got me in trouble for it, so I was deterred even further. So I quit trying to write that stuff and would only write for a group of characters I was making up for fun. But I could never finish anything, the ideas would eventually dry up & I'd forget how much I loved 'that' thing.

Then my mental illness kind of took over my life and I couldn't write or paint for about a decade. From 1999-2002 I could not write words if they weren't absolutely necessary and when I tried to write creatively after that, I couldn't finish more than a paragraph till 2007. In 2010 I started switching to digital painting and slowly found I could do that a little, but in the meantime I couldn't finish even one page of writing in a rule lined notebook. I was ok with that but, I kept seeing things that I knew I'd love to write about. Farscape (Because I ship Chiana X Jon and would, will and have gone down with this ship), Inu Yasha, Ouran High School Host Club and Angel are just a few of the things I watched and would go "What if..." but never write anything.

Until last winter. I got my ability to write back for Christmas and I'll always be grateful to the people who gave it back to me, people like you, the person reading this.

I rewatched CATWS and saw it with new eyes. Then seeing as I have a Tumblr and have had one since 2012 & somehow am still struggling to connect with other people, I thought "Tumblr is great for fandoms, maybe I can see some cool fan art & dank und denke memes about my new fav." Oh, Tumblr, Glob bless you. I found everything from marvel crack vids to ridiculous concepts like Fuckboy!Bucky from that one blog. It looked like a lot of fun. It seems weird but yeah, wanting to join others having fun doesn't get old, I been walking around with FOMO since before the term was popular ( whoa, I'm such a hipster XD ).

The only thing stopping me from having what fun I can with it, is that isolation in my life. It's not a very nice feeling. It's that feeling of watching everyone else have fun talking about something you like but feeling completely uninvited to talk to them about it as well. So I did what I always do with that feeling, think of things to talk about with other people & feel super rejected when I do say something and no one really says anything back. After which, I usually just stop trying to interact with others and try to figure out how I did it wrong, it takes me months to ever try to talk with people again. I don't know why I never get past this point of how to befriend other people, it's something I'll admit I'm working on in therapy right now. **EDIT** : _"Haha, ha ha ha, wow wtf! I just found out why this is: I've had ASD my whole life and at the age of 33 am finally understanding that I'm autistic."_

My poor therapist, she's a weird nerd too and openly admits she has no idea how to make friends either, so we just exchange advice more social people give us. If she wasn't paid to talk to me, we'd probably be best friends.

But then I saw a prompt, which got me thinking about Bucky and one thing led to another my finger slipped & I wrote a 2000 word male solo fic _and was able to finish it_. I was super excited and thought "I'll post it on my fandom blog, someone may read it someday and have a good laugh at all the cringe that my writing is." But that's not what happened. A bunch of people left 30 about notes that night after I posted it and it was so energizing I got inspired to write another story. Two finished projects in one month after so many years of nothing!? By the end of January a few meager likes each week spurred me on to do more, with every story I posted was a smattering of profuse thank yous to the people reading them.

For me it is a plain fact, erotica is sort of my writing default setting & the other option is horror. I don't have much to give but I feel very valid when even one person takes note of my efforts. Everyone knows artists are not artists without an audience. We can not live off the energy of creating for ourselves only, it may be fun sometimes, but it doesn't create insight or exchange & close the loop of give and take that sharing is. This is why singers want to be heard singing, why youtubers need their communities to exist as a channel, why dancers want to be on a stage, why every good actor thanks their fan base. So multiple times a week I was thanking you, that person reading for giving me my ability to write.

Bucky stories quickly took over my fandom & interest blog. With the headcanon invention of Winter!Bucky I knew it was time to put all these things in a place of their own. After getting over the flu, I made a blog for this stuff in February, gained about 40 followers and thanked every one of them for giving me their precious time. I asked and still ask for reader involvement because my ideas become stagnant if I'm not talking to anyone about them. For instance, from the storytelling and information that was given, I was led to believe Hydra!Bucky when on a mission was at the height of distress & confusion. It seemed they erased his memories upon waking him from cryostasis and at the end of each mission. I thought if that wouldn't make for an unhinged & chaotic existence what would? But having no one to share this and see another person's perspective about it I've been unsure how much of this to use in my stories, which I'm in the process of amending because I feel a Bucky whose only joy is secretly & successfully killing people while trying to ignore his own pain, extremely distorted thinking, flashbacks, personal identity crisis and much more needs to be explored.

But as people liked my works sometimes, my usual is about 6 notes per story on Tumblr even the fan favorite 'A Late Night Ride' has till this day like 20 notes, I couldn't communicate with them, my ideas started getting less clear and fewer overall. I think it's because as a dominant person, I like giving people things. When I'm writing, I'm trying to make you feel something be it fear, pity or that feeling you get when a creator totally delivers what you've been wanting. So wrestling with these ideas I was trying to push forward with the knowledge that around 60 people following liked something I was doing and no matter how many times I asked for them to tell me about what I could do for them, I just get no response. I've tried creating for several spaces and it's the same every time. I have no idea how to remedy this. Then in March I made a stupid mistake and deleted a month old blog with about 600 posts & reblogged content.

I got a new one up and running again within that week, but I have been struggling with creativity ever since. I have about three short projects and one longer endeavor sitting in the back of my mind losing detail with each passing day. I write what I want to write not what I think people will like so it's not as if I'm trying to do something disingenuine. I just really need feedback from the community to make me want to write, without you, my reader, I am nothing. I need like-minded friends to share my ideas and broaden my knowledge on what other people think.

I once got a really great response on one story. It said:

" _I LOOOVE angsty smut. This is beautifully written! One of my favorite fan fic! I love this ‘star crossed lover’ kind of angst. Well,…they are not exactly ‘in love’. but what they have here is pure and genuine. sex is the most basic and instinctive kind of human contact. By doing it, two manipulated Hydra agents could finally feel human again. it’s a deviation from Hydra’s script but it’s their choice, one thing they could manage to have some control over. even if it’s only for one night or everything is just a mere mirage. the night is theirs. when tomorrow comes, they will part. they can’t be sure whether they can see each other again and they might never be able to escape from their miserable fate. Which makes this story tragic but beautiful at the same time. this gives me so much feels. I think that is why I love to read Bucky fan fiction. His tragic winter soldier fate is a great source of angst stories. 'A Late Night Ride’ didn’t follow any other corny story lines. I like its originality. this deserves more notes!_ "

To this I replied:

" _First, thank you for your feedback. I am so new to fandom, so new to fic_ , _that I had no clue this could be categorized as angst. I just wrote what came naturally and at that time wanted to tell a story about who hydra!bucky and in this case, he's also_ _Winter_ _!Bucky, since he's aware of his brainwashing_ , _is when he puts the weapons away. I am just floored by your reaction to the story, I'm bad at being praised as well and may poop myself._

_Also, from me to you, the characters do feel it's love, they're just so afraid of Hydra taking their memories of it they don't want to call it what it is. Which makes this sadder to me but more special to them. k, bye_." Because that response is seriously worth more than 500 or 50,000 notes or likes to me.

I look back at this, something someone said to me in March and think, "It would be so nice if every story I posted I could have an exchange like that, be it critique or compliment. Just something telling me 'someone saw/heard that'."

I'm kind of starting to see my stories as 'unfinished' until I hear back from a reader about it and it's killing the joy of this slowly. And I don't want that to die. I couldn't write for so very long, couldn't say what I wanted to, couldn't talk to anyone. In real life, I talk to other people so little that I lose my voice if I talk for longer than 15 minutes. I am silent so often. And I don't want to be, I want to talk to you, tell you what crazy thing I thought of or tell you my hopes for new works. Because if I don't share it the stories just fade away and I don't think about the phrasing or themes, characters or grammar. I just think "Oh, that would be interesting." and then that story slips from my fingers. I quite literally in many cases never remember what I wanted to write if I don't write it down and if there's no one to tell a story to, then I'm no storyteller.


End file.
